


didn’t mean to make you cry

by ailiyasneski



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Funeral Scene, HIV/AIDS, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It Gets Worse, M/M, Sonia Kaspbrak's A+ Parenting, Sonia is an asshole, Suicide, someone dies letting you know, this will tear you to peices, three parts of actual hell
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-16 06:47:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21031988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ailiyasneski/pseuds/ailiyasneski
Summary: They stared at each other, anger’s near strong and suffocating around them. Richie glared at Eddie’s face, softening his gaze when he saw the pure fear that glosses over his coffee eyes. He took a step closer, and the other man broke. He fell into Richie’ chest, sobbing hard; shudders rocked his body as Richie rubbed his back.“I’m so sorry, Eddie,” Richie whispered, face falling into those wavy brown locks. “I’m so sorry.”Eddie only sucked in a breath, continuing to stain Richie’s Coca-cola shirt with sadness.





	1. pt. one

**Author's Note:**

> The songs i used writing this chapter were:  
Wasteland, Baby!- Hozier  
I Will Follow You Into The Dark- Death Cab for Cutie  
Love On The Weekend- John Mayer  
Not Today- Imagine Dragons

Richie awoke to the warm rays seeping through the blinds. Throwing and arm over his eyes, he thought about falling back sleep- it was too early and bright- but the feeling the body next to him snuggling closer made him smile. Eddie always had a way of doing that to him. 

Richie shifted to face his sleeping lover. His breathing soft and shallow, the small rays of sunshine highlighting his face. He looked like a Renaissance painting. Richie would never get over how pretty Eddie was while he was sleeping; not a care in the world, peaceful and free. Much different than the Eddie Richie knew when he was awake. The tightly wound shoulders and shuddering breaths when something goes wrong. It was a simple thing, really, how much every small piece of Eddie Kasprak made Richie fall more and more in love with him every moment.  
Eddie snuffed, and Richie couldn’t help but give a breathy chuckle. “Morning, sleepy spaghetti,” 

“Morning, trashmouth,” Eddie slurred back, eyes still not open. 

“I think you’re the trashmouth with that morning breath of yours,” 

“Yeah, you love it though,” He pecked Richie’s lips. Richie kissed back. 

“I’m thinking of going down to the farmer’s market today. You wanna come with?” Eddie asked between small kisses. 

“Why not?” Richie asked rhetorically. It was always one of those things they’d done together, going to the farmer’s market. Even when Eddie went through that horrible rough patch, they still found a way to haul themselves out of bed and go get some local produce. It was a stable in the madness. “How are you feeling today?” There was hesitation in his voice. 

“Better, I think,” Eddie sighed.

“That’s good,” Richie whispered. Eddie leaned his head on Richie’s shoulder, and the two stayed cuddling for a while longer. Richie never wanted to leave their warm bed. Richie ignored how Eddie’s forehead was hotter than the rest of his body. 

“I need some coffee,” he groaned and sat up, and Richie felt empty without his armful of Eds. 

“Get me some while you’re at it, huh?” He asked as the other man stretched. Richie stared at the sliver of skin between his shirt and boxers. 

“Course,” he could hear Eddie smile. He walked out of the room, leaving him to lay by himself.  
Richie lay in their bed a while longer, staring at the cream ceiling while the light from outside created little rainbows across it. Everything had been so calm recently. Even with Eddie’s body seemingly never letting go of that cold, everything was going well for them. Nice neighbors, quiet evenings by the couch after hectic work days. The labored breaths while they made love at three am. Richie wanted to bask in their domestic bliss. After a while longer, he gave up trying to fall asleep again and followed Eddie into their kitchen.  
He could hear the coffee maker from the hallway. “Eds, do you want breakfast before we head out?” The calm Richie felt was paused with the sound of coughing. “Eddie?” He asked, pitch getting higher for a moment. When he sped into the kitchen, he was greeted by the sight of Eddie leaning on their counter with a coughing fit. He rushed to Eddie’s side. 

“Hey, hey, you need your inhaler?” 

“Bullshit,” Eddie gasped out between coughs, and Richie wanted to panic. “Fine,”

“You’re not fine, Eddie,” Richie snapped back but rubbed his back and helped straighten Eddie out to get more air into him. After another minute or two, he was able to breathe properly again. “Maybe we should stay home today, you’re clearly not over-”

“‘M fine, Rich,” Eddie insisted, weakly grabbing their now lukewarm coffees from the maker. “Just a coughing fit, it’s alright,” He saw Richie’s worry written on his face, and Eddie sighed. “I’m serious. If something was wrong, we’d know it.”

He got the cue to drop it. “Speaking of things we’d remember,” Richie smirked, and Eddie groaned. 

“You know these things aren’t a big deal,” 

“But Eddie-bear, we’ve been together for seven years! That’s pretty fucking important if I’d say so myself!” He peppered kisses all over Eddie’s cheeks, bringing him close. 

“Richie, the coffees!” He laughed, getting a couple drops of the warm liquid on his shirt. 

“Screw the coffees!” He let his other half set the coffees on the counter before spinning Eddie around, his lover giggling as he felt dizzy. Richie set him back on his feet, wrapping his arms tighter around his waist. Hen could smell the washed out bubblegum shampoo from yesterday. “Whatcha say we go to the market, then I’ll make a lovely dinner than serenade you with love all night, eh?” 

“You can’t even make toast, Richie,” 

“Never said it was going to be good,” 

“You said ‘lovely’, that’s the same thing,” 

“It’ll be almost as lovely as your mother at night,” He joked, leaning his forehead on the back of Eddie’s head. “Seriously, though. Seven years. This means a lot to me, you know,” 

“Technically four years,” Eddie scoffed, holding up his wedding band. 

“If you’re going by technicalities, Mr., then it’d be our 13th anniversary because you fell in love the moment you laid your pretty little eyes on me,” 

Eddie only hummed in return, rubbing his thumb along the back of Richie’s hand. Eddie never loved making a huge deal of things (that’s what Richie observed- Eddie’s childhood friend Beverly said differently), but Richie wanted something for their seventh year anniversary. They’ve been together for so long, he couldn’t imagine life without him.  
“I’m gonna take a shower,” Eddie mumbled, but made no effort to move away from Richie. 

“Without me?”

Eddie simply chuckled, turning to peck Richie before walking to their bathroom.  
Richie couldn’t be more happy. 

When Eddie was finally alone, he let out a groan he’d been holding back since Richie walked into the kitchen. He knew he was sick— it’s not that he didn’t have plenty of medications to treat a cold— but his head had been killing him for weeks now. Add that on top of his cough and the fact he’s been losing weight more quickly than he should, and he’s starting to worry. He needed more Ibuprofen; he opened the medicine cabinet and popped some into his mouth, swallowing them dry. 

The hot drops of water gave relief to his aching head. As the pain dulled, dizziness took its place. Eddie refused to sit down though, because it’s a shower. Why should he have to sit to shower? He stood there staring into space wishing he would stop feeling like he was about to fall over for god knows how long until he felt the water go cold and his body shivered. It must’ve been, what. Thirty minutes? He wasn’t really sure. 

A knock from outside, and a faint voice. “Eds, you okay in there?” 

“Um, yeah,” Eddie replied, finally allowing himself to lean on the slick wall.

“Alright,” Richie’s response was delayed and it made Eddie worry. He was fine, there wasn’t a need for Rich to worry. 

He turned off the tap. 

Richie hit play on their record, his mother’s old classic vinyl set of 50s music starting up. He swayed to the music, the slow jazz music filling the living room. He heard Eddie walking around their apartment. He turned up the volume, knowing that Eddie would hear him singing along.  
“Eddie, my love, I love you so,” He sang loudly, waltzing around the living room and making his way to the hallway. He heard Eddie laugh from the bedroom. “How I wanted for you, you’ll never know,” he leaned against the bedroom doorway, watching Eddie fix his wet hair in the mirror. “Please, Eddie,” he came up behind, resting his arms on Eddie’s shoulders. “Don’t make me wait too long,” He whispered the last part in his ear. 

“I swear to god, you’re a sap,” Eddie murmured back. 

“You left me last September,” Richie continued singing. 

“I better not, it’s September now,” Eddie turned around, leaning his head on Richie’s chest.  
“You’re getting my shirt wet, Eddie-bear,” Richie commented, letting The Teen Queens sing the rest of the song from far away. 

“Do you really care?” 

“Nah,” Richie sighed, pulling Eddie closer. “Dry your hair and get out of here?” 

“In a moment,” Eddie muttered. “I wanna hold you,” 

Richie nodded, letting Eddie hold him for a while longer. He noticed how Eddie seemed to be slimmer than normal, his collared shirt seeming to swallow him a little more. 

“Losing some weight, eh?” 

“What do you mean?” Eddie asked softly, and Richis shut himself up. Eddie pulled away, fixing his hair again in the mirror. Richie watched, letting himself relax. He was just overreacting; everything was fine, Eddie was fine. It was just a cold. 

“Ready to go?” Eddie asked. He seemed more distant than normal, but Richie didn’t think much of it. He’s just tired. 

“Of course, my love,” He sung that last part, linking his arm with Eddie’s. The other half laughed. 

___

Public transit was the worst. Not that the Tozier-Kaspbrak household needed to take public transit-- their careers provided them with more than enough money for a car-- but getting stuck behind a bus that won’t go above ten miles an hour made Richie insane. 

“Fucking move!” He yelled, honking at the bus. 

“She’s 80, Richie. Show some respect,” 

“Not here, Eddie-kins, she’s fine. I’m talking about-” He’s yelling now. “The fucking bus driver that won’t go over ten miles an hour!” Eddie threw his hands up in defeat, sinking into the passenger seat. He watched Richie as he honked again, then settled into the passenger seat as they drove. 

“It’s fine if we’re ten minutes late,” Eddie exhaled. 

“I know, I know,” Richie groaned. Their mood changes with the landscape around them. Skyscrapers to corn fields and ashy roads to dirt, Eddie could feel himself letting go. 

“You think we could have a picnic after?” Eddie asked tentatively. 

“Of course, Eds,” Richie smiled, taking his hand, though his eyes never left the road. Eddie smiled back. 

He held back another cough as he watched the rows of corn fly past them. It was their anniversary, he wasn’t about to ruin it with his sickness. That wasn’t something Richie needed to worry about. 

“You know what I think?” Richie asked, making a left. 

“What do you think?” 

“I think we need to hit up that pickle station again,” 

Eddie snorted. “The pickle station?” 

“Don’t mock me, Edward! Those pickles were good and you know it!” 

Eddie only laughed harder, which turned into a cough. Than another. Than another. Fuck. 

“Eddie?” Richie asked, immediately pulling the car to the shoulder, shifting the gear to park. “Eddie, Eddie, you sure you’re okay?” 

“All good,” Eddie choked out, gulping down air. Not now, not now, their day is going so good. Richie didn’t say anything for a long time, simply opting to watch Eddie gain his breath back. After a long time, Eddie nodded at Richie, and his lover hesitantly shifted gears and started driving down the highway again. “I already have a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow, you know,” Eddie spoke quietly. “It’s just a cold.” 

“Since when have you been so lax about a cold?” Richie questioned. “I mean, I forget to clean the bathroom once and you’re all up my ass,” 

“It’s just not a big deal, okay?” he snapped, and Richie shut himself up. “Ugh, look. I’m sorry, I just- I want to have a good day, yeah?” 

“I know,” Richie whispered. The tense feeling was soon replaced with joy when the Farmer’s Market sign came into view. “Alright, that’s what I’m talking about!” 

He pulled into the dirt parking lot, jumping out of the car before Eddie even had time to unbuckle his seatbelt. Richie opened his door for him, smirking. 

“After you, m’lady,” 

Eddie rolled his eyes. “You’re a sap,” 

“You love it,” 

Eddie wasn’t going to deny that. 

___

Richie left the pickle stand with a giddy smile plastered on his face. He saw Eddie across at the fruit station, looking at some pomegranate. He held their cloth bags around his arm, ignoring the clerk trying to sell him some pumpkin seed kits. Richie skipped up to Eddie, being sure not to break the glass jars inside his plastic bags. 

“Hello, Eddie Spaghetti!” He fell to his lover’s side, planting a kiss on his cheek. 

“Don’t call me that,” The response was reactionary. 

“You ready to get out of here?” He whispered into his ear. 

“It’s not even 4 pm,” He said matter-of-factly. “We still have to have the picnic, remember?” 

“That’s what I’m talking about, sweet-pea!” The clerk side glanced them, walking away. Richie flipped him off from behind. “Why don’t you go pay for that fruit of yours, and I’ll meet you at the car, yeah?” 

“Sounds like a plan,” Eddie smiled softly, making Richie’s heart melt. He pecked his cheek before skipping back to the car, head in the clouds. He opened the back door of their SUV, pushing the back two rows down, making the car floor longer. He pulled out the blankets from under the passenger seat, laying them out. He heard Eddie’s footsteps from behind, and slammed the car door shut. 

“Eddie! Babe, don't look! It’s a surprise!” He put his hand in front of his other’s eyes, making him giggle. 

“Okay, okay!” 

They jumped back into the car, Richie angling the rear view mirror away from Eddie’s line of sight. Eddie looked out his window as the farmer’s market grew smaller and smaller and clouds in the sky got closer and closer. He could feel Richie’s excitement radiating off him. The rhythm of the road and sound of the occasional passing car started to lull Eddie in and out of sleep. He leaned his head against the glass, earning a small chuckle from his lover. Richie let Eddie slowly fall asleep, making sure to avoid the occasional potholes to not wake him. Their groceries at Eddie’s feet, Richie grew more excited about the thought of the night to come. Seven years they had been officially together. Damn. He wanted to make sure he knew how much Eddie meant to him. 

He turned the car once he stopped a nice opened pain for them; he parked it in the center. Looking over at Eddie, he gently shook his shoulder. “Hey. Eddie? Wake up, we’re here,” 

Eddie snuffed, snapping awake, looking around lazily. “Hmm?” He groaned. 

“We’re here, honey,” Richie softly repeated, heart warming at Eddie’s cute tired face. “You ready?” 

“Ready for what?” Eddie asked again. 

“For our picnic, silly,” Richie smiled, watching Eddie rub his eyes and sit up. 

“Oh, right,” He looked behind him, and he took a double take. “Where are the back seats, Rich?”  
“I know you don’t like sitting in the grass because the crickets and everything, so I made a picnic blanket in the car,” Richir admitted sheepishly. 

Eddie smiled, kissing him deeply and softly. He pulled back, ghosting his lover’s lips. 

“It’s amazing- thank you, baby,” 

“Oh, of course, yeah, of course,” Richie stuttered, feeling himself blush.

The two men climbed into the back, Eddie grabbing the pickles and pomegranates on the way. They spread out, opening the pickle jar while Eddie tried to open to the fruit. 

“Damnit,” Eddie muttered, tongue poking out in concentration. He’s perfect, Richie thought to himself, watching him with love in his eyes. After a couple more minutes of struggling, Eddie groaned and tossed it to the side. “That’s it, I give up!” 

Richie giggled. “You want a pickle?” 

“Not in a million years,”

They both laughed, and Richie looked outside the back window, watching the sky turn to serbert. He smiled when he felt Eddie lean up against him, lacing his hand with his own. 

“You nervous there, Eds?” 

“How come?” 

“Your hands are clammy,” 

“Oh,” 

Richie shrugged. “I don’t mind. After another moment: “Hey, wanna take a sunset walk?” 

“Of course, love,” Eddie smiled, and Richie opened the trunk door. He hopped out, helping Eddie slide out. He started to walk with Eddie as his baby pointed out animals in the clouds. Richie stopped for a moment, smiling as Eddie was engrossed in the sky. 

“You’re beautiful, you know that, right?” He spoke quietly. 

“Richie?” Eddie asked. 

“I know what you’re going to say. ‘Richie, stop being sentimental.’ I’m serious though. I’m so glad I get to spend the rest of my life with you-”

“Richie-” 

“-and after all this time, I still don’t understand how you want to be with someone like me. I mean, I’m a comedian and I still make your mom jokes after all this time. I guess my point is-” 

“Richie,” He sounded breathless. 

“Yeah, Eddie?”

“I think I need to lie down,” Eddie slurred, then he collapsed.


	2. pt. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Fucking hell,” Fichie muttered after a while, head falling into his hands. “Fuck, Eddie,”
> 
> “What?” Eddie sneered.
> 
> “Fuck!” Richie exclaimed again, starting to pace. “Eddie, I gotta get tested,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: suicide of eddie kaspbrak 
> 
> songs used when writing: 
> 
> just add water- cavetown  
lights up- harry styles  
the night we met- lord huron  
golden (demo)- hippo campus  
palace- sam smith  
passenger (demo)- hippo campus  
dream- imagine dragons

Eddie’s eyes opened slowly, and he remembered the sky definitely wasn’t that dark before. He looked around slowly, taking in the fuzzed fray surrounding him. 

Gradually, things came into focus, seeing the spotted sky with orange yellow painted into it. He saw thick glasses and moppy hair. He felt his smile come across his face, which only made that freckled face frown. 

“Eddie! I was about to call 911, thank god! I swear if you’re faking me out-“ he sounded worried, and it made Eddie fear something was wrong.

“I’m not faking you out,” he teased. His world still frowned, and the realization that the world was upward cane across him. “Why am I laying down, Rich?” 

Richie looked around. The world around Eddie danced around. “You passed out, love; don’t you remember?” 

Eddie sat up with Richie’s hell, groaning as the world steadied itself. “Mph, I don’t recall.”

Richie simply nodded, reading him up and down. “Let’s day we head back home, yeah? You can get some sleep,” His smile didn’t reach his eyes. 

Eddie nodded. 

Richie guided him back to their car, hand on his lower back. Eddie looked around, trying to piece together what exactly they were doing in the middle of a field at what assumed was 8pm. Not wanting to worry Richie though, he opted to stay silent. He stumbled every now and again, mind still fuzzy; Richie held him up. He knew that Richie was concerned, he knew that something was wrong, but he didn’t have the energy to hold himself together anymore. 

“‘M tired,” he mumbled, leaning into Richie’s touch. 

“I know, baby,” Richie whispered back. “A little longer, yeah?” 

Eddie only nodded back, letting Richie guide in to the back of their car, lean him on his chest while he wrapped the blanket around them. He felt the water bottle being nudged at his lips, and he moved away. 

“Come on, Eddie-bear, you gotta stay hydrated,” 

“I’m not thirsty,” 

Richie didn’t speak for a long time. Eddie felt himself slip in and out of sleep, the warmth from Richie’s arms dulling his senses and lowering his guard. He was just about to slip into a deeper sleep when he heard Richie whisper. 

“You’re going to the doctor’s tomorrow,” 

“Didn't plan on skipping,” Eddie groggily replied, letting the world fall to gray with a kiss on his head. 

___

Richie was careful on the drive home, making sure not to disturb Eddie’s sleep. After the night they just had, the last thing he wanted to do was cause any more stress to his man. 

As the painted black corn fields passed them by, Richie couldn’t help but wonder. Eddie had always been on top of his game when it came to germs- lysol always within a hands reach, cleaning the toilets every day (not that Rich minded- they needed it), and so much more shit that Richie didn’t have the energy to name. Seeing Eddie sick and not screaming he was going to die was so uncharacteristic. He knew that Eddie hadn’t made that appointment with his doctor- he wouldn’t have shut up about it if he really had. The idea made Richie’s finger tap nervously against the steering wheel. Turning into their driveway, he looked back at a still sleeping Eddie. It made his heart flutter and mind race. He parked and scooped him up, carrying him up to their room, making sure he didn’t knock Eddie’s head against the wall like he did last time. Eddie snuffed and moved closer to his chest, muttering softly. Placing him softly into bed, Richie left to get some water. Eddie being the sweetie he is, gently latched onto Richie’s sleeve.

“Stay,” He whispered, clearly using all his energy doing so. 

Richie hesitated, before sighing. “Alright,” He sunk next to Eddie, letting the younger man pull himself onto his chest. “You didn’t make an appointment, did you?” He asked rhetorically. Eddie only shook his head in response. “You’re going tomorrow,” 

Eddie muttered something about going alone, but Richie felt himself slip into sleep, the events of the day quickly washing over him.

When he woke up to a dark and cool room, he hoped for sleep to wash over him again. The warmth that should’ve been right next to him was replaced with empty cold. He wished Eddie was with him, that he’d stayed so they could sink back into sleep then wake later to make breakfast. He wanted to do normal things instead of hoping Eddie wasn’t going to die, even if he wasn’t. 

The alarm went off. 

Sighing, he shifted from the bed, making sure the wood didn’t creak under him. Sludging down their apartment, absentmindedly fixing his hair. He stopped in the bathroom, mind blank as the morning breath from his teeth were replaced with mint. The reflection in the mirror looked tired, Richie noted when he spit into the sink. The eyes were empty, the dirt in a freshly packed grave. His skin pale and jaw clenched; he turned off the light and ducked out.

As Richie popped some bread from the toaster, he knew he was in for the long haul. Eddie must’ve left around when again? It couldn’t have been too long ago, it was only eight thirty. He smothered the bread with butter and took a bite. Nothing to do now but wait. 

As it turned out, Richie and waiting didn’t mix at all. The first half an hour was okay- he ate his toast in silence and caught up with the news. But by nine he was trying to figure out which channel had the weirdest program on while he pulled the number one button off the remote. Another half an hour later, he was on a voice conference with his agency about an upcoming show (not that he cared, but they wouldn’t shut up about it). Jumping over the chairs and standing on the kitchen counters, he considered making eggs when Eddie got back. They’d have a little brunch, Eddie would tell him it just a head cold, and everything would be- 

“Richie?” the snap on the other line drew him back to reality. 

“Yeah yeah, just do that,” Richie tried to save his ass. 

“Okay clearly you’re not concerned about this, so i’ll just-“

“No, no,” Richie sighed, sitting criss cross on the countertop. “I’m sorry Janice. I’m just thinking,” 

Richie could hear her disappoint in the static. “It’s fine. Just, how about I call back later?” She sounded uncomfortable. 

“Thanks, you’re the best,” Richie rushed to hang up. He loved Janice, but she could be a pain in the ass sometimes. He sighed, staring at the black reflection. The soulless him stared back, so he tossed it down and ignored it. He was, once again, left with nothing to do while he waited for Eddie’s return. He opted to stare at the wall for longer than he’d like to admit while his leg bounced and mind race. Obsolously, Eddie was going to be fine- it was just the flu (maybe even just a cold), so he had nothing to worry about. 

Then the door opened. 

Eddie stepped through, keys ripping from the lock. His head was down, shoulders holding the world; Richie jumped off the counter.

“Baby, how’d it go?” he asked, a fake chip in his voice. When Eddie didn’t respond (he hung the keys on the rack instead), Richie kissed his cheek. “I mean, it’s nothing bad, right?” 

Nothing from Eddie as he moved past Richie to their room. 

“Eddie?” His smile faded as he followed. “Honey, what’s wrong?” He stopped in the doorway, watching his shaking hands set down his phone. Eddie looked shaken, like his blood was dry and he was going to fall over. His body gave off a slight tremor when he gripped the dresser, head hanging on a thread. Richie approached like he might run away at any moment. 

“The tests came back wrong, you know,” 

“What tests, baby?” 

“They tested me for HIV. Stupid, really, I don’t even have it,” 

Richie felt the room spin. “An HIV test?” 

“Yes, Richie, are you even listening?” Eddie didn’t sound like himself. “But I don’t even need it, I’m clean. It’s fine, Richie, I’m fine,” He kisses Richie on the cheek, hands shaking against his neck as he moved to the bathroom. Richie followed, dragging his feet on the carpet to tile floors. 

“Why would they give them to you if you didn’t even-” 

“Don’t finish that sentence, Richard,” 

“Eddie, you and I, we,” Richie didn’t know how to take this news; he wasn’t sure if Eddie had even processed it himself. “I think you, I,” He trailed off. 

“Don’t,” Eddie was soft but firm. “Please don’t say it.”

“Eddie-”

“I’m fine,”

“Eddie, listen-”

“It’s fine,”

“Eddie-” 

“Shut up!” Eddie yelled, stopping in front of the mirror, Richie’s startled reflection behind him. “Fine, you want me to say it? Fine! I’m not fine. I’m sick, and I’ve apparently had this, this disease for a long time now. Since I was twenty, they said. I’ve had it for as long as I’ve known you. And it’s treatable, yeah, but I’m still fucking infected! Ma was right because I’m sick now and maybe I should’ve taken those placebos like she said, at least they did something! But look at me now. Now I probably haven’t got that long to live and I have to take real, fucking real and stupid pills once a day- no, more than once a day- for the rest of my fucking life! Let’s fucking face it, Richie. I’m not fine,” Eddie spat, hot streaks of water rolling down his cheeks. His hands shook the porcelain sink. 

“Fucking hell,” Richie muttered after a while, head falling into his hands. “Fuck, Eddie,” 

“What?” Eddie sneered. 

“Fuck!” Richie exclaimed again, starting to pace. “Eddie, I gotta get tested,” 

“Richie i swear to god, you’re being over dramatic-“

“No, I think you’re just in denial, Edward! Fuck, we- we’ve had unprotected sex! If you have it, then I sure as hell have it! How-how the fuck did you even get it? As far as I’m aware, I don’t have fucking HIV!” 

“I don’t know, I’ve only ever had that kind of sex with one other guy! God, that was even before you!” Eddie whipped around, coming face to face with Richie. 

“Oh, well that’s swell!” Richie sarcastically exclaimed, hands becoming level with his head. “Wow, that makes things so better!”

“What, I’m not allowed to have other people before you? Is that a fucking problem?” 

“No- ugh- it’s not, but you have sex with him and you got it!” 

“Well thanks for the play by play, asshole!”

“Why aren’t you getting this? I might have it to! Actually, I probably do because we had unprotected sex, asshole!”

“Then get tested!” 

“Fuck you!”

“Fuck you!” 

They stared at each other, anger’s near strong and suffocating around them. Richie glared at Eddie’s face, softening his gaze when he saw the pure fear that glosses over his coffee eyes. He took a step closer, and the other man broke. He fell into Richie’ chest, sobbing hard; shudders rocked his body as Richie rubbed his back. 

“I’m so sorry, Eddie,” Richie whispered, face falling into those wavy brown locks. “I’m so sorry,”  
Eddie only sucked in a breath, continuing to stain Richie’s Coca-cola shirt with sadness. 

___

Eddie sat in front of the TV, mindlessly watching Dr. Phil lecture another privileged teen with no regard for their parents’ emotions. Come to think of it, Eddie never really paid attention to anything these days. He just stared. Richie thought taking him places would help- art museums, taking walks together, even trying to go to the farmer’s market. Nothing seemed to spark him; he just stared off into space. Well, they do have conversations sometimes, but Richie feels as he’s pulling the weight for the both of them. 

“I think you should see someone,” Richie said one day as he read next to Eddie on their sofa. Eddie said nothing. “I’m serious, Eds, You’re worrying me.” Again, nothing; he put down his book. “Eddie, talk to me,” his voice was soft as he looked as his husband. The same blank stare. “Darling, anything, please,” He pleaded. 

“I don’t know what to do with myself,” Eddie’s voice was hoarse, and it nearly killed Richie to hear.

“You still have purpose, Eddie. You have your job, you have our friends, you have me. That’s why I’m thinking seeing someone would-” 

“I want to kill myself.” 

That shut Richie right up. Their apartment was darker now, clouds covering the warmth of the sun. The air became thick and stuffy, making Richie choke. “Wh-” he tried. The he tried again, but nothing came out. Eddie said nothing either, staring at his lap, hand over his mouth like he hadn’t meant to say anything. Richie stared, a deer in headlights until Eddie’s body was shaking and his breath shuddering. Richie put a hand on Eddie’s shoulder, and he jerked away. Richie looked at the clock: five minutes shy of seven pm. He couldn’t think of anything to do- he wanted to take Eddie somewhere to get better, hug him, tell him he understands that feeling of hopelessness but that things end up okay- but nothing made it past his head. Eddie kept crying, folding into himself, hand still over his mouth while the other clawed at his hair. He looked over at his husband, and seeing him in such pain made his heart rench and stomach churn. He finally snapped out of his trance, wrapping his arms around Eddie, burying his head in his hair. Eddie sobbed out, trying to break free; Richie only held on tighter as held back tears. 

They stayed like that for a long time, Eddie crying out a small “I’m so sorry” every now again and Richie saying that it was okay over and over again. After what felt like an eternity later, Eddie’s breathing evened out and his body (for the most part) had stopped shaking. Richie picked up his boy, carrying him like a child to their bedroom. He lay Eddie down, making sure not to wake him (he knew he wouldn’t though- Eddie might as well be deadweight). Richie soon slid next to him, wrapping his arms around Eddie, bringing him closer as he let him sleep. 

“I love you so so much, Eddie,” Richir whispered into the cold night’s air, hoping his lover would somehow get his message: everything will be okay. 

____

“Is there anything you’d like to mention before our session ends, Mr. Tozier- Kaspbrak?” Ms. Phillips asked, looking up from her notebook. “Intentions of self harm, suicide?” 

“None,” Eddie sighed, avoiding her gaze. 

“I think you’re progressing really well, you know,” Ms, Phillips kept talking. God, does she ever stop. “You only received your diagnosis a couple months back, and you’re already on the road to mental recovery. I’m extremely proud of you,” He could feel her smile burning into his back. 

“Thank you, Ms. Phillips,” Eddie sighed. 

“Next week, same time?” 

“Sure thing,” Eddie’s smile stretched across his face as she showed him the door. He shut the office door softly, and jumped when he heard a car honk. 

“Edwardo, let’s go!” Richie called, smile brighter than diamonds. He always made Eddie smile, genuinely smile. He let his body relax as he hopped in the passenger seat. The sky was black around them, but he swore Richie made the sun shine.

“Can we just go home? I’m exhausted,” he groaned, leaning against the seat. 

“Where else would we go, baby?” Richie asked rhetorically, shifting gears. “Florida?”

“Anywhere but Florida,” Eddie laughed. 

“True. They are the dick of America,” Richie laughed back. After a while longer: “How was the session?” Eddie knew what the sessions meant to Richie. After his whole breakdown (though he didn’t like to call it that), he’d gotten some help, and now it seemed that everything was going to be okay, even if Eddie knew differently. It was good to let him smile a little longer; he always loved that smile. 

“Pretty good actually. She didn’t stare me down- she actually told me I was doing well, Rich!- and I feel like we’re getting somewhere,” 

“That’s great, Eds,” 

The rest of the car ride was spent in comfortable silence as Richi drove and Eddie watched him constantly. He didn’t know, of course, but Eddie liked to believe that Richie would be okay on the other side; he always was. Soon enough, they pulled into the driveway, Richie rushing out to get Eddie’s door. “After you,” 

“This reminds me of the field,” Eddie sighed, kissing Richie’s cheek as he stepped out. 

Richie grimised. “Don’t pass out on me now,” he jokes, knowing they could even joke about those things now.   
“Never will,” Eddie chuckled back. 

The rest of the night was routine- watch TV, look at the news, joke around and cuddle. Eddie felt so free. Everything was setting itself into place, and he finally felt like he had control over his life. He knew it would hurt Richie because everything seemed to be getting so much better, but he knew this was what he wanted. He hasn’t felt this much control over his own life in so long, and sitting there with the love of his life in their apartment on that Sunday evening finally gave Eddie the strength he needed. 

“I’ll meet you bed,” Eddie said, ignoring Richie’s fake pouts as he waltzed to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth, spitting out the foam and looking at his reflection. His meds were right behind the mirror. He should take those, but Richie was going to need them more than him. He walked out. 

Across the hallway and into the bedroom, the peace that he had felt in his mind had finally worked its way into his bones. He let his body run on autopilot as he walked to his nightstand, pulling out the sleeping pills he and Richie used for when they couldn’t sleep. He popped one dry. Than another. Than another. Another and another and another. 

He heard the TV shut off, and Eddie gently placed the bottle back in the nightstand and slowly climbed into bed. Richie was right there next to him in minutes.   
“Farmer’s market tomorrow?” he asked. Eddie only nodded in response, his brain feeling numb and fuzzy. “Goodnight, angel,” he gently kissed Eddie, and Eddie let him as he let Richie pull him closer. A soft inhale. “I love you,”

“I love you too,” he used the last of his strength it say it. What lovely final words. 

As Eddie Tozier- Kaspbrak drifted, he felt Richie kiss his head, and he was glad this was how he went out. 

___

Sunlight seeped through the blinds as Richie Tozier- Kaspbrak woke. The sunlight hit his eyes, making him squint and shift away from its touch. Richie felt the weight in his arms of Eddie, and it made him smile. He kissed his forehead, noting how Eddie seemed a bit chilly. He pulled the blanket around Eddie’s sleeping form more. Richie hopped out of bed and to the bathroom. He had a gig today and he needed to look lively, which went actually getting himself together. 

Shower, brush teeth, put on his “suit” (a tee shirt, jeans, with a blazer. He had to maintain his look, after all). Everything went with routine. He poked his head into the bedroom, expecting to find fumbling to put on a tie after all these years. 

He was still in bed. 

Richie shrugged. “Eddie, baby, I know it’s Monday, but you still got work,” When didn’t reply, Richie sighed and walked over. “I’m serious, our boss is gonna have your ass about-“

His other half lay motionless in their bed, and Richie went to shake him. That’s when he realized Eddie’s body wasn’t breathing. 

He felt himself scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter to go, loves :))


	3. pt. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He looked at were the grass’ roots started to cave from the shovel. Gnarly and rotting, Richie supposed that he was one of those roots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: funeral scene

The ride there was smooth and calming. The misting from the clouds created a light fog that blanketed the grass beside the wheels. Pavement hard under the car’s wheels, Richie stared blankly out the window, watching the scenery roll by. He could distinctly hear the driver speak to him from the front seat, but he didn’t bother to register what it was. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore. 

He could almost feel the body that should be in the seat next to him. Warm and inviting, he should be here. He’s wearing the suit he’s supposed to wear for Stan and Bill’s wedding, he’s renting the car that they would’ve used for his new comedy special taping. He’s wearing the ring around his neck when it should be on his other’s finger.  
“I’ll be back to pick you up in a couple of hours,” the driver spoke up, and suddenly the car was parked outside the church. “I’m sorry for your loss,” he added sympathetically. 

Richie stepped out of the car, blankly thinking about anything but the service ahead. 

He dragged himself through the church doors, noting how he’s the first one there- oh course he is. He stares at the empty casket in the center of the stage, silence bouncing off the polished wood. Richie didn’t seem to be able to cry- there wasn’t a reason to. Not wanting to get any closer to the casket so he could see his lover sleeping peacefully, he opted to stare at the Bible sitting on the altar. 

“How are you holdin’ up?” Stan’s voice echoes through the empty church. 

“I’m not sure he’d want this,” Richie muttered. 

“Want what, a funeral?” he asked softly, like Richie was some puppy. 

“His mother wanted a Christian funeral,” he looked over at Stan. “Not him. We never...we never really talked about it, but I knew that much.” 

Stan only offered a nod. His shoulders tight and lips thin, he patted Richie’s back (not that there was anything else to do). The two men were saved from having to take anymore small talk as people started to crowd into the church. The losers were first, fighting their way to each hug Richie. His family was next, mother apologizing and gushing about how nice of a boy Eddie was while his father stayed silent. Eddie’s mother was next (he was surprised she wasn’t first), toppling over people to get to the casket. 

“Eddie! Eddie, my son!” She sobbed, leaning herself all over the casket. Another moment ticked away, and her head whipped to her son’s husband. “You!” She sneered: “You did this to my son!” he only watched blankly as she continued to sob into the casket of a son she never proud of. 

The rest of the crowd sputtered in after that, and Richie retreated to the back of the church. The priest came out, and everyone took their seats, squeezing into the wood benches with fuss. The speaking lasted about a half an hour, Richie staring ahead blankly as the priest droned on and on. He didn’t even know him, but he acted like he’d known him for years and years. No one knew him like Richie did. 

M.rs. Kasprak was next. She hobbled to the altar, blowing her nose into a tissue and dapping her eyes. Richie cringed. 

“My Eddie-kins was the best thing that happened to me. Even when my husband passed, Eddie was there right next to me to get through it all. He was my life, and I don’t know how I could have let him go astray the way he did.” Richie tuned in; she dabbed her eyes again. “I think it’s my fault- if I hadn’t let him leave me the way he did, if he was still with me, he wouldn’t have gotten that disease from him.” She spat the last words, voice stinging in Richie’s heart. He coughed and stood up from the back. 

“Bullshit.” He spoke loud and clear, his voice booming throughout the church. Everyone turned to him, Mrs. K’s gaze the harshest. He felt the walls closing in, and he cleared his throat anyway. “Um, hi,” he stumbled over his words and his feet. “Yeah, my husband was the most beautiful and stunning soul to grace this Earth, and I refuse to let his shit mother fuck him over any longer.” Several gasps from the crowd, and Richie felt he helpless as he pushed Mrs. K out of center stage. Suddenly, it was as if the whole world was at his husband’s funeral; he felt his throat closing. He glanced at the crowd, picking out Bev’s bright burning hair and reassuring eyes. He took a breath and then started. 

“God. Didn’t think I’d be doing this, I didn’t prepare anything,” he laughed. “Um, hi. If you don’t know me, I’m Richie Tozier-Kaspbrak. I’m,” he paused. He wasn’t going to cry. “God I can’t say his name,” he muttered, wiping his hands on his thighs. “Um, I was his husband. Ain’t that some gay trope shit,” He tried for a joke- it didn’t stick. “Right. Well, whatever the fuck Mrs. K was saying about her son is some bullshit. I know she loves him, but that didn’t justify the fucking abuse he had to put up with his entire childhood. I never heard much about it, but I heard enough. He’d been through so much bullshit, and hearing his own mother say that it was his fault he died is just fucking insane.” 

“I never-” Sonia started, but Richie snapped. 

“Shut the fuck up!” He yelled, his voice making the stained glass shrink back in fear. “I don’t,” he stuttered. “You don’t get to say anything. Your son was the love of my life. I don’t care who blames who for what happened to him, but no one gets to blame him. Because he was the sweetest, most caring, headstrong, handsome, and thoughtful person I’ve ever met. Eddie was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and now he’s gone.” It was that moment that everything that had happened over the past two weeks had finally set in; he started to cry. “Oh my god, Eddie,” He muttered, but the mic at the altar caught it. “Eddie, I- oh my god, I’m so sorry,” he whispered out, body starting to shiver. 

He felt someone’s arm wrap around his upper back, and he flinched away. Just like Eddie had. “No,” he choked.  
“It’s okay,” Stan’s voice was soft against his ear, but 

Richie shook his head. “No, no please,” 

“Come on, let’s sit down, alright?” Stan gently led Richie away from the alter, away from the stupid empty casket. He decided halfway through that he no longer wanted to leave that casket, even if his husband was actually a clump of ash in the middle of the field where they spent their anniversary. He started pushing against Stan’s arm, weakly trying to get back to his husband; Stan, stronger than he looks, pulls Richie harder until they reached the benches. 

“He’s fucking gone,” Richie weeps quietly, Stan rubbing his back. 

The rest of funeral goes off as planned. A couple more speeches from the Losers and Eddie’s family later, everyone is standing outside in the cool air as the priest says his final words and lays the coffin into the ground. Richie couldn’t watch, opting to push himself into Bev’s shoulder as he heard the oak box lay softly into the dirt below. 

He felt a tap on the shoulder. “You can stay here as long as you like, I’ll be in the car waiting.” He looks over to Ben, sympathy glossing over his eyes. He goes to speak, but Ben cuts him off. “Don’t worry, your old driver knows,” Richie looks down, and Ben reads him like an open book. “We want to help you, Richie. It’s okay to ask for help,” He gives him a quick side hug and a soft smile. “Take as long as you need.” And suddenly Richie was left alone with a hole in the ground for his husband. 

He looked at were the grass’ roots started to cave from the shovel. Gnarly and rotting, Richie supposed that he was one of those roots. The other grass next to them as died, leaving the roots grasping for something in the cold open space next to it. It might wait forever, refusing to grow, but the other grass will never come back. It’ll always be a cold emptiness against the roots, and the roots will forever lack what it once had. 

Richie felt tears stain his cheeks. 

He didn’t know what to do now. He’d spent half of his life with his husband, and then in a blink of an eye he was gone. 

“You wouldn’t want me moping, would you Spaghetti?” He forced out a laugh and wiped the tears away. “You never were one for tears, even if you cried a lot lately,” Another pause, and his breath stuttered. “I want to see you again, for real. I keep seeing you in my dreams but it’s never going to be enough. I need,” he faltered. “It’s not about what I need, is it?” He didn’t mean it bitter. “I’m, I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you. But you’re better now, right? God, I want to believe that.” 

He took one last look at the hole. “I love you.” He turned on his heels and walked away. 

fin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i’m planning one for bonus chapter, so stay tuned for that

**Author's Note:**

> it only goes downhill from here folks ;)


End file.
